Real Talk

Elizabeth Grant was the reason I could say it all. I needed this class, but now I need to tie up a few loose ends.

To the tourists- I hope one day you find Paris, but really, I hope you find yourself.

To the hopeful- Thank you. Your posts kept me going.

To the not-so-hopeful- There was so much comfort in knowing I wasn't alone.  

To the real- You inspired me the most.

To Nelson- Thank you for showing me how to have a balance between happy and sad even though I didn't do the best job, it was something I needed to learn. Thank you for commenting and believing in us. Thank you for sharing Paris. 

• If you really knew me you'd know jokes make me very very happy. 
• If you really knew me you'd know I've kissed 15 people but haven't kissed in four months next week. (silent cheers)
• If you really knew me you'd know I have clinical depression.
• If you really knew me you'd know I don't want to fall in love, but someday I hope I do.
• If you really knew me you'd know I care a little too much about money and wish I didn't.
• If you really knew me you'd know Buffets scare the hell out of me.
• If you really knew me you'd know I don't swear but I enjoy saying Hell in big crowds.
• If you really knew me you'd know I love Miley Cyrus (you're cringing it's okay).
• If you really knew me you'd know hugs and making new friends are my absolute favorite.

-Malone Hansen

                                     

Grateful for the moments that I am more than the space between my ears. 

Don't Forget

I don't remember much, she told me things can do that to you, make your past seem like a bunch of memories coated in fog and T.V. static.

But I do remember her scream laugh, and how four year-old's eyes hold the most life.

I remember June 2nd and the three months of silence that followed. I remember when you told me to lie about my feelings.

I remember hearing my mom cry. I remember not being able to find my phone. I remember promising not to look at my phone but, that I still did. I remember having to wait until dad got home. I remember my mom shoving as many tissues as she could into her pockets. I remember not being able to breathe but somehow having the air to sing on his lawn. I remember being mad at the funeral because they all showed up and pretended to know him. I remember shaking.

I may forget it all,

but,


I'll never forget A1 steak sauce and the name Myrtle.

I'll never forget going to my parents bedroom as a 17 year old because I couldn't sleep.

I'll never forget the year I got a Lava Lamp for Christmas.

I'll never forget the day I realized I was going to have to work very hard if I wanted to be happy, and no matter how long it took, one day, I would be happy.



You may forget me, but I will never forget you.

Neature

I'm saving my feelings for when I can experience the world another day.

Because that's all there, and I'm here.

Because I'm having a hard time accepting that. 

Can't run. Can't hide.

I tried to let life in. I cleaned up the mess in my head and made room but life couldn't fit. There seems to always be something in the way of life. Life comes and goes as it pleases, but is forever in the back of my mind. Life is a mute chaos. I met life at the puzzle tree, but it betrayed me the day I lost my kite to the wind. Life brought wind to the bees and made your laugh the sweetest. Life made me believe nothing could be better than that second kiss. Don't be fooled by life though, because life is a false security. A waiting period before death.    

I tried to put death in a box but the lid wasn't glued on tight enough and it keeps running away with my heart.  That's the thing about death, it has ahold of the one thing that is keeping me alive. I met death when I was 15 and it stripped my innocence more than any kiss. My hands are still numb and my heart still hurts. I'll never forgive death for what it did, but I'll never be able to thank it enough either. Because death is perhaps the only thing stronger than love. The only thing that binds us together. Death changed me. It changed me for the better, but also for the worse and that thought is killing me. I don't know which one I should be more afraid of.  Death is the last to judge. Death is certain, but really it's unpredictable. Death appeared at your bed but only rang at his door. The reason it has so much power.

I've tried running from death and hiding from life, but I learned

Life prepared me for death, and in return death made life priceless. 

The truth is:

I'm scared of the happy faces and sad posts.
i'm scared of cuts on wrists and the thought of people cutting their wrists
I'm scared because I've never had trouble sleeping, but staying awake.

i'm scared of  high school boys because i know how they talk about girls

I'm scared I won't fall in love, but even more scared I will. 

i'm scared i'll regret my career choice

The hole in my chest is getting too big, and I'm scared I'll forget what it feels like to live.

if this is all life has to offer, i'm scared

I'm scared I'm counting the hours to my death.
i'm scared of being old, and dying young
I'm scared I want too much and because of that happiness will always be on the tip of my tongue.
i'm scared of being happy
I'm scared my mom was right when she said I don't have any real relationships in my life.
i'm scared I've accepted it 



We're all scared though, and there's a comfort in that.

I don't know how

You're probably here to learn about...

How to fall in love-
How to change a tire-
How to public speak-
How to protect your heart-
How to keep your soul-
How to be cultured-
How to gain a testimony-
How to be hipster-
How to stay strong-
How to not care-

You're looking for answers but did you ever think I'm just as human as you?
Because the fact is we

• Break hearts
• Crash cars
• Stutter
• Let down walls
• Sell our souls
• Hide
• Lose hope
• Yearn to fit in
• Cry
• Do care

So here's what you need to know

Live life without a manual.

Look for people's hearts.

Don't be afraid to be happy.

Choose love, because I won't.

Letter to a friend

How do you tell someone they just aren't enough anymore?

It wasn't you and it wasn't me, maybe the moon pulls more than the tide, and honey I'm tired. 

Organic milk but not friendship. I'm sorry.  We planned A like we wouldn't need B, 

but fate intervened and now I don't know where to sit. 

Does anyone know the conversion rate of how fast time can heal twelve years? 

I know it's somewhere in-between a pathetic life and Saturday night. 

11:11 never did it for me and maybe that's why we're here, watching the lightning and listing to another apology ft. me.

My heart requires an extension chord because getting too close can leave marks, and I don't know how many more of those it can handle. 

I'm afraid the infection has spread because we haven't talked in weeks and I'm starting to call you mom. 

Try not to think of it as collateral damage because I'm doing this for both of us.
I'm doing this for both of us. 

Maybe one day I'll find a cure and you will be the first to know so don't wander too far, maybe just an I-Love-You away.
Because I miss those moments, and when they return remember to take me like your tea, often and with ease.
Mr. Frost failed to mention there are multiple roads less traveled and maybe that's why I've gotten lost so many times.

You were always enough.
I know that now. And because I do I hope to see you soon.



Yours truly-Elizabeth Grant

Modern Day Heroes

I often wonder what the men and woman running towards the twin towers were thinking about, and if I would have been one of them.

I'm sure they weren't thinking about the praise they would receive if they made it out.
Neither was Mindy Tran, "It was all for my kids". Even if that meant a broken leg, hip, and shoulder.
Nor Christian Gunter or Robert Kuba.
And then some don't make it out and because of it 1,500 others do.


I want to believe I would be brave enough to do what these modern day heroes did, but the truth is, in the last 30 years the capability for people to empathize has decreased dramatically and maybe I'm just a side effect of evolution.

The ability to empathetically and altruistically act in these situations is considered unique, 'hipster'.
But these hipsters didn't act because it was different and cool, they did what they thought was right and acted on who they were. How beautiful it would be to live in a world with people focused more on love than hate.

No one talks about how these heroes suffer and how sometimes walking alone isn't easy. Because who do you talk to about the dreams and the shaking and the unwanted anger towards the 1,500 who lived while your baby had to die.

At the end of the day you get to choose who you want to be. 

I want to be less human. 

Things that need work

• Laughing at church
• Only apologizing when it's my fault
• Saving money
• Being 'punctual'
• Saying enough without saying too much
• My hair
• Buying heels that don't make dad uncomfortable
• Dropping my phone less
• Cleaning my room more
• Visiting the cemetery with a letter
• Texting back 
• Packing up my room
• Remembering words
• Being adventurous 
• Wearing earrings
• Listening to music at a normal volume
• Appreciating winter
• Painting my nails
• Accepting it's okay to not be okay.

Happy Birthday

It's your birthday and I forgot. I'm sorry.

 

I wonder if you celebrate birthdays in heaven or if you celebrate your deathday. I hope it's not called that if you do. I'd like to believe we would have hung out tonight, maybe had a fire and sang weird Harry Potter parodies, lit illegal fireworks not caring about burning the neighborhood down, or maybe we would have gone and ridden that puke green double schwinn bike in Smiths. 

 

 

 

Sometimes I  can picture your face so clearly it's like I saw you two days ago, and not two years. Your voice stopped coming though. Why? 

People still ask the standard questions like how and when and did you know he was struggeling. I don't mind answering, I would be curious.

I guess a defect to being human is caring more about how people died than how they lived.

In Paris it's going to be different. I want you to know that.

 

 

 

You gave me a cinnamon roll for my birthday so I got you a rose.

 

 

Happy Birthday

 

 

Unpopular opinions

I support the dress code, because I would get in trouble for wearing anything else at home anyways.

Dinosaur chicken nuggets are not delicious.

I love Miley Cyrus more now than when she was normal, I also want her hair.

American Fork has a better student section and that makes me really sad.

Love should not be limited.

Platonic friendships are possible.

I don't think Lone Peak is full of stuck up rich kids, just misunderstood ones.
Sometimes I prefer being called hot.

Fall is not my favorite season.

Lana Del Rey is better than Beyoncé.

I hate swim suits.

Pepsi beats Coke any day.

Hiking is my least favorite activity.

I believe all humans have some good in them.

You should always be able to say how you really feel.

Rainbow in a box

I grew up backwards.

I always colored softly when I was little, as not to ruin the crayons. No one likes the crayon boxes with ripped edges and different sized wax. Other kids didn't mind though, they snapped their crayons like my mom snaps her gum.

 But then I changed

Now I don't mind the imperfect colors, I still like the shiny new packs, but in a different way. In a sad way. They don't know what their missing. I won't say "their imperfections are pretty" but crayons aren't meant to sit in a box and be pretty. It's not about what they look like, but what they can do and what they can make. So why is the world trying to teach us that being 'pretty' is more important than living and learning.

The white crayon grew up thinking she had less potential than the blue one, when all that she needed was a different colored paper. 





Boys Talk

I miss you, but not because you're gone, but because I know if you were here it wouldn't be the same. I opened the door and offered to show you around, but you couldn't stay... you had work in fifteen. 

You aren't allowed to be in love in high school. So it wasn't love. Sometimes though, I wonder if it would have been, if it wasn't high school. 


Do you ever regret having a fancy job? Ever think about leaving and coming home... I mean mentally coming home. I mean, "How was your day and don't tell me good".  I mean no football or baseball or 
hey you're in charge thanks bye.  
I mean, want to go to dinner and not just talk about the food and the neighbors. I keep reminding you that we only have a year, but you keep reminding me how many people are at the table and how their fortune is more important than mine. 

Tall.Dark.Handsome

Behind the church. 

It's not even bad.

Okay.

It tasted like candy.

He lied. 

There was no tree house only rocks and dirt.

But even after I had washed off all the dirt and the blood from my lip I still didn't feel clean.

I learned the next day that there are no double dates in Salt Lake because "What if something happens?".   

I let my apathetic soul take control. 

And when I came back I looked more at people's eyes, wondering if they could see the change I feel.

Human

Every night I pray to find my people.

That's a lie because I don't do much praying anymore. 

What happened that made you scared of my demons? You told me to never say how I really feel, so I'm sorry about this post, and this blog, and the fact that I'm going to Paris and you won't get to see me off, but maybe I'll send you a post card of a place where depression is a thing and emotions are accepted.

I'm scared to be too real and scared to not be real enough. Because sad is the norm and happiness is something I put on in the morning.  

Diversity is what keeps me alive. Your stories play in my mind and make me feel a little less crazy at night.  

We're supposed to write about who we are, but I don't really know.