Dear Heart

Dear Heart,
                  I know it's been a while since we've talked, I thought about you I promise, it's just, well you know how the winter is and there never seemed to be a good time, and, maybe there never will be, but I need you to know something.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I worry about breaking bones more than breaking you. I'm sorry she bruised me but forgot you altogether. I'm sorry I didn't fight harder... for both of us. I'm sorry I was wired this way, that I can't remember anything happy before 9th grade. Because you, you deserve all the happy. I'm sorry because I'm selfish. I forgot the sound of your voice and maybe that's the reason you forgot how to feel. I'm sorry for all the grudges I've made you hold, and the empty I love yous. I'm sorry for the bricks, I thought I was protecting myself but didn't realize I was killing you in the process.   I'm sorry it's taken so long. 

On Monday they said I was strong, but I didn't feel strong. I think they were talking to you.  Thank you for being strong... for both of us.

I know I've told you it's okay to stop, begged you to, but promise me you won't until you find hope and there's more than blood coursing through our veins because I don't know when that time will come but I know it's worth waiting for. 

The only hope I can offer right now, is one day we'll look back and smile. Because if we can get through this....We may not be okay now, but we will be. 

Thank You. 

I Wrote This For You

To the:

If can relate to even just one, this book is for you.

These were just a couple favorites. This book made me want to fall in love, slapped me with reality and gave me hope.

Real Talk

Elizabeth Grant was the reason I could say it all. I needed this class, but now I need to tie up a few loose ends.

To the tourists- I hope one day you find Paris, but really, I hope you find yourself.

To the hopeful- Thank you. Your posts kept me going.

To the not-so-hopeful- There was so much comfort in knowing I wasn't alone.  

To the real- You inspired me the most.

To Nelson- Thank you for showing me how to have a balance between happy and sad even though I didn't do the best job, it was something I needed to learn. Thank you for commenting and believing in us. Thank you for sharing Paris. 

• If you really knew me you'd know jokes make me very very happy. 
• If you really knew me you'd know I've kissed 15 people but haven't kissed in four months next week. (silent cheers)
• If you really knew me you'd know I have clinical depression.
• If you really knew me you'd know I don't want to fall in love, but someday I hope I do.
• If you really knew me you'd know I care a little too much about money and wish I didn't.
• If you really knew me you'd know Buffets scare the hell out of me.
• If you really knew me you'd know I don't swear but I enjoy saying Hell in big crowds.
• If you really knew me you'd know I love Miley Cyrus (you're cringing it's okay).
• If you really knew me you'd know hugs and making new friends are my absolute favorite.

-Malone Hansen

                                     

Grateful for the moments that I am more than the space between my ears. 

Don't Forget

I don't remember much, she told me things can do that to you, make your past seem like a bunch of memories coated in fog and T.V. static.

But I do remember her scream laugh, and how four year-old's eyes hold the most life.

I remember June 2nd and the three months of silence that followed. I remember when you told me to lie about my feelings.

I remember hearing my mom cry. I remember not being able to find my phone. I remember promising not to look at my phone but, that I still did. I remember having to wait until dad got home. I remember my mom shoving as many tissues as she could into her pockets. I remember not being able to breathe but somehow having the air to sing on his lawn. I remember being mad at the funeral because they all showed up and pretended to know him. I remember shaking.

I may forget it all,

but,


I'll never forget A1 steak sauce and the name Myrtle.

I'll never forget going to my parents bedroom as a 17 year old because I couldn't sleep.

I'll never forget the year I got a Lava Lamp for Christmas.

I'll never forget the day I realized I was going to have to work very hard if I wanted to be happy, and no matter how long it took, one day, I would be happy.



You may forget me, but I will never forget you.

Neature

I'm saving my feelings for when I can experience the world another day.

Because that's all there, and I'm here.

Because I'm having a hard time accepting that. 

Can't run. Can't hide.

I tried to let life in. I cleaned up the mess in my head and made room but life couldn't fit. There seems to always be something in the way of life. Life comes and goes as it pleases, but is forever in the back of my mind. Life is a mute chaos. I met life at the puzzle tree, but it betrayed me the day I lost my kite to the wind. Life brought wind to the bees and made your laugh the sweetest. Life made me believe nothing could be better than that second kiss. Don't be fooled by life though, because life is a false security. A waiting period before death.    

I tried to put death in a box but the lid wasn't glued on tight enough and it keeps running away with my heart.  That's the thing about death, it has ahold of the one thing that is keeping me alive. I met death when I was 15 and it stripped my innocence more than any kiss. My hands are still numb and my heart still hurts. I'll never forgive death for what it did, but I'll never be able to thank it enough either. Because death is perhaps the only thing stronger than love. The only thing that binds us together. Death changed me. It changed me for the better, but also for the worse and that thought is killing me. I don't know which one I should be more afraid of.  Death is the last to judge. Death is certain, but really it's unpredictable. Death appeared at your bed but only rang at his door. The reason it has so much power.

I've tried running from death and hiding from life, but I learned

Life prepared me for death, and in return death made life priceless.